Too many things have been going on and lots of thoughts have been going through my mind lately...nobody that I wanna speak to so I'd rather just write it out here. I'm not good in expressing myself so instead of saying the wrong things and making ppl misunderstand me...I'd better do it here. :(
Looking back at my blog posts since 2007, I think I've really done and achieved a lot over the past 4 years. I'm actually quite impressed with myself for having the courage and drive to constantly challenge myself, strive and achieve new heights. Most importantly, I've enjoyed every moment of it. But...what about now?
I don't know if anyone noticed what I shared at the end of my blog...that used to be my motto. It's sad to say this but I'm using 'used to be' coz I feel like I'm going against everything that I wrote there now. :(
I mentioned before that 'life ends when you start working'...it may not be true to others but I really do think so...at least for me. My life used to be pretty colorful and I was able to do a lot of things that I wanted to achieve...like what I wrote in my motto. "Life doesn't hold tryouts"...being a radio contest freak...I won myself a free trip to Hawaii to see BSB...it's kinda unbelievable but I made it...coz I didn't stop trying. "Pushing the limits to bring out the best in me"...I know I'm not smart and I may not be the top in class...but I've tried my best to do well academically to make my parents proud. "Learn & explore as much as possible in life"...I got the scholarship to go over to the States for a year and had the chance to learn, explore and experience so many things that I never knew possible.
I just realized nobody really cares about everything that I've done...I'm the only one who's living in my own little world and happy over everything that I achieved in the past. People wished I didn't get the scholarship and regretted that they allowed me to go to the States...all bcoz of one thing. Nothing have changed since 2.5 years ago no matter how hard we've tried...I should have known this earlier. Perhaps I knew it...just that I was hoping for miracles. I guess it's all my fault coz I'm the only stupid and naive one who's trying to go against all odds. The fact is...nobody cares...period.
I tried to achieve so many things over the last few years...for what? Just so that I can get a job that I wanted. And yes indeed I've got the offer...the offer was only for 4 people in Malaysia and I was lucky to be one of them selected. I was only one step away from it but had to turn it down coz that's not what everyone wanted me to do. And that's the reason why I said life ended once I started working...I'm just doing what everyone wanted me to do. It seems like I'm moving further away from everything that I desire to do. Sometimes I wonder...what's the point of having an ambition coz at the end of the day...most of them doesn't come true anyway. I really admire people who have the courage to strive for their dreams.
What about 'dare to dream' and 'live life without regrets'?? I'm bout to make another step away from what I want again. Haiz...I'm kinda lost, disappointed and sad...what should I do? :(