It has been a year since Daddy left us. I started drafting this blogpost shortly after Dad's passing as a tribute to Dad, but it took me a year to finally complete it.
Dad was born in Penang on 31 July 1955. His parents immigrated to Malaysia from China and started building their life from scratch in Penang. His dad was a carpenter and his mom was a housewife. Dad had 4 sisters and was the only son in the family. I never met my grandmother (Dad's mom) because she passed away before I was born, but I do know that Dad and his siblings grew up in a big family with their maternal grandmother, 8 aunts and uncles, and many cousins...the "King Street 大街" family. It was fun that my Dad has a big and close-knit family but as a kid, we used to be stressed during Chinese New Year because we had to remember how to address each relative correctly, and there were a lot of them!
Dad went to Han Chiang primary school, Chung Ling high school, then transferred to Technical Institute and graduated with GCE O level diploma.
He started his career in 1975 as a Mechanical Draughtsman, and built a successful career as an engineer for 36 years in several multinational companies like Sanyo, Phillips, Mattel, Precico, etc. until he retired in 2011.
Dad and Mom got married in 1982 and had their first kid in 1983. They worked hard and saved to build their new life but had a rough start losing their first car to theft. 4 years later, they tried for a 2nd child but got lucky with a 'BOGO' deal instead...a twin, a boy-girl twin. Back then they didn't know our gender until we were born so when twin bro came out first, they thought oh no they were gonna have 3 boys. But 3 minutes later, I came along as a good surprise!
Being the only daughter and youngest one in the family, I was certainly daddy's girl and the brothers will always say I'm the spoilt one (even though I don't agree...lol).
Dad was the sole breadwinner of our family and worked hard to support our family of 6 (including my grandfather). Mom stopped working shortly after we were born and had her plates full as well staying home to raise and take care of the 3 of us. It wasn't easy for our parents to raise 3 kids, especially with 2 of us doubling the costs of everything at the same time.
I never really knew or asked what Dad did for work. All I knew was that he was an engineer, and he went to the office everyday. When he was in Phillips, he bought hi-fi systems, which I fully utilized throughout high school. When he was with Mattel, he was involved in designing Hot Wheels toys (he showed us molds of the toys) and would get us Barbie Dolls and Hot Wheels every now and then. When he was with Precico, I recall he mentioned about designing car dashboards.
As an engineer, Dad was the handyman in our family and seemed to know how to fix everything. We used to call him MacGyver because of that. Even though none of his 3 children followed his engineering footsteps, I am probably the one who inherited most of Dad's engineering brain and handy skills (more than the 2 brothers imo).
Growing up, we didn't have a lot of material possessions, but our parents made sure we spent time together as a family and were hands-on raising us. We used to go to Chinese Recreation Club (CRC) together every weekend to hangout, swim, play badminton, and sing karaoke. We'd go on roadtrips to different parts of Malaysia once a year. I remember Dad drove at night and laid down the backseats for 3 of us to sleep in the backseat+boot of our Proton Saga.
Over the years, Dad had quite a few hobbies...fishing, collecting tea pots, origami, karaoke, play ping pong, etc. Dad had always been athletic and I am proud to inherit his athletic genes, as well as his lean and fit physique. He lived a pretty simple life and his focus was always on the family.
Even though Dad was quite a jack of all trades, he never pressured us academically or pushed us on extracurricular activities. However, he was always supportive and proud of everything we were involved in. I'd like to think we made him proud when twin bro and I were both awarded model students of the year when we graduated high school, and when we made it to the front page of a national newspaper when we scored well for national exams. Dad was always our biggest supporter in all our random endeavours. He was always there for us, through every milestones of our life, through every ups and downs.
With all 3 of us finally graduating college, big brother getting married, and Dad reaching his retirement age of 55, life was good and he was ready to enjoy the retirement life, the golden years. But as fate would have it, Dad had a stroke at the end of 2010, which was serious enough to put him in ICU for 3 days, and impacted the mobility of the entire left side of his body. Of course, things changed after the stroke. It took awhile for him to stand back up, and his mobility never fully recovered. We were thankful that he was still able to still do a lot of things independently but certainly not as good as it used to be. I am sure this wasn't easy for Dad as he was the pillar of our family, an independent and strong man who used to be able to do everything.
After the stroke, Dad went back to work for awhile but decided to officially retire in 2011. Over the next few years, Dad and Mom spent a lot more time together enjoying their retired life. Even though his mobility was not 100%, he was still able to travel quite a good bit, especially with mom. I made it a point to travel with the parents before moving to the US, and was glad that they were able to visit me in the US 3 times within 5 years. Within those few years, all of us siblings found our better halves and got marries, and Dad also got to meet his 4 grandkids.
As fate would have it again, Dad had a 2nd stroke in 2019. This time, it was a hemorrhage on the other side of the brain, which impacted his movement, balance, speech, cognitive, and memory. The impact of this 2nd stroke was worse than the first stroke. He needed help in his daily activities so we decided that it was best for Dad and Mom to stay with big bro.
At the beginning, he was still able to walk with support but his 2nd stroke also resulted in dementia, which was not something that could be reversed and all we could do was to slow down the decline. As time went by, he became less the person we knew and lose his cool quite frequently. He hated being taken care of. He hated that he needed that much help. He was an independent man, and that was stripped from him because of his mobility and to have to rely on other people, he did not enjoy it. It's hard to see someone who used to be so strong, now at their weakest point in life.
Mom was his main caregiver and it took a toll on her physically and mentally. There were times when it was exhausting and frustrating for her, and it was also hard on her seeing her husband like this. The caregiving journey was not easy. Those were some tough times but she did her very best to take care of him. She did what she was able to do, there was no room for her to do anything better.
Dad needing full time care for the last 4.5 years was really the final chapter of his book. As the years went by, dementia slowly took Dad away from us. He lost his mobility and became fully dependent, then he stopped talking and responding, and towards the end, he couldn't open his mouth or chew food himself. Anticipatory grief was certainly something our family went through as we witnessed each stage of his decline. The caregiving years helped prepare us mentally for what's looming, and as morbid as it sounds, it pushed us to take care of a few things before the day came.
Of course, we are sad that Dad is no longer with us, but to wish that he was still here in the state that he was in is selfish. I take comfort in knowing that he is no longer in pain and that suffering is no longer something he has to endure. I am grateful for the time we spent together. What a gift and privilege it is to be able to spend time and make memories with him while he was still able to move around.
While the stroke and dementia robbed Dad and us in so many ways, and their 'golden years' certainly wasn't what either of them (or any of us) had envisioned, we are grateful for the time we spent together. It is also a good reminder to prioritize our health, to cherish the time we have with our loved ones while we can, and not to take anything for granted. Make memories and spend time with our loved ones while we can, because these memories will live on in our hearts forever.
I was blessed to have a Dad that taught me so much about life, and in the end, so much about sickness and death, and accepting that life is far from perfect, but that love is what matters. That we often can't choose our path but do the best with what we have.
Miss you and love you Dad and thank you for your love and all you taught me.
